8 Words and Phrases You Use About Your Dog and Need to Abandon Right Now

Training your dog is basically just teaching them what you want them to do, when you ask them to do it. But (spoiler alert!) what is obvious to us sometimes makes zero sense to them. They’ve got their own likes, dislikes, and quirks. If they’re not doing what you want, it’s not because they’re being rude or are out to ruin your life. They just literally don’t know what you want yet. It’s on us to teach them, not on them to guess. 

With that in mind, there are certain words and phrases that are regularly tossed around by pet parents and by trainers that aren’t actually useful. Plus, they can rob us of the joy of having dogs in our lives. Some terms are outdated, others are rooted in a misunderstanding of dog training and behavior, but all of them can interfere with training our dogs and building the best possible relationships with them.

When we shift how we talk about our dogs, it changes the view we have of them, leading to more effective training, clearer communication, and a more loving bond.

Here are a few common words and phrases to let go of (and what to say instead).

Words to abandon

“Stubborn”

You’ve probably heard this one a lot because it’s super common: “My dog is so stubborn!” People use it when a dog doesn’t respond to a cue, they ignore their person, or they resist going in a certain direction on a walk. None of these behaviors are inherently bad, and they can mean all kinds of things.

Labeling a dog as “stubborn” suggests they could easily do something but are actively choosing not to, which isn’t necessarily true. It also suggests a character flaw where one doesn’t exist. It’s better to say, “We need to practice more,” “They are still learning,” or “They are trying to tell me something.”

“Disobedient”

This word is super old school, from back when people referred to themselves as their dog’s “master.” Yep, it’s that out of date. Calling a dog disobedient implies that the dog is there to obey people and that if they don’t do as requested, they are intentionally bucking the power structure. 

That’s not a great perspective to have about your pup (aka your best friend), but many people are used to saying this, and old habits die hard. When dogs don’t respond, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt rather than assume they are rebelling in some way. I prefer to say the dog isn’t sure what the person wants or that something else in the environment is more compelling.

“Untrainable”

Every trainer hears this on the regular, and it’s never true. Just because someone hasn’t succeeded at training their dog to the standards they want doesn’t mean the dog can’t be trained. Maybe the person doesn’t have the skills and knowledge to train the dog. Maybe the dog struggles in distracting environments or is too nervous to take treats. 

Maybe the dog only learns after many repetitions or learns best when you incorporate play. Calling them “untrainable” shuts the door on problem-solving before you’ve even started and dismisses the importance of patience, creativity, and persistence when training dogs. Instead, it’s better to say, “They’re learning slowly” or “They’re a work in progress.”

“Pack leader”

This term is another relic from the days of considering dominance issues the root of any behavior problems or training glitches. The idea that pup parents should be the leaders of their dog packs is based on flawed science and doesn’t reflect the reality of the biological miracle that is the relationship between people and dogs. It’s a mutually loving and supportive connection that is unique from any other. 

It’s far more appropriate and much kinder to aspire to be a dog’s protector, teammate, best friend, teacher, and family member.

Phrases to abandon

“They have a mind of their own.”

The truth is, all dogs have minds of their own. I mean, honestly, whose mind should they have? To me, this is simply a true statement, but it often gets used as a dig at a dog who doesn’t mindlessly follow directions and do exactly what we want when we want them to do it. When we use this sentiment to explain some kind of gap in training, we aren’t recognizing our pup’s individual nature. I consider that to be a big missed opportunity.

Try reframing it as “They’re super independent,” or “They’re really curious and love to explore,” or “I wonder what they find so fascinating about that particular section of the grass.” And remember that having their own mind makes each of them unique — and yay to that.

“They don’t respect me.”

This one comes straight out of outdated dominance-based thinking. Until modern, innovative trainers and behaviorists changed the conversation, anything a dog did that their person didn’t like was blamed on “lack of respect.” 

Guess what? Dogs aren’t going around just handing out their respect to people, and people shouldn’t go around demanding it. Good behavior comes from good relationships — ones with lots of love, a history of good experiences, good communication, plenty of trust, and training as an enjoyable activity that’s done together. Let’s worry more about whether our dogs like spending time with us, and less about some old idea about them respecting us.

“They’re being difficult.”

People tend to say this when they are frustrated, like when a training session feels like a struggle instead of a fun way to interact with their dog. When someone says that a dog is being difficult, it really means there’s a mismatch between what they want their dog to do and what the dog is doing. 

The dog could be tired, confused, scared, overstimulated, uncertain about what to do, in pain, distracted, or highly motivated to do something other than what the person wants them to do. Instead of labeling the dog difficult, try to figure out what’s really going on. Ask questions like, “What’s the barrier to success here?” and “How can I help them succeed right now?”

“They know better.”

This one is especially enticing because it feels so validating — especially when you’ve seen your dog perform a certain behavior before. But knowing how to do something and being able to do it anywhere, anytime are completely different levels of accomplishment.

Just because your dog can lie down in the living room whenever they want doesn’t mean they can do it at the entrance to the dog park, where they block other dogs from coming in and out. Instead of assuming your dog knows better and is choosing not to listen to you, acknowledge that something is making it hard for them to do something you have taught them (like listening when you say “come.”) It makes more sense to say, “We still need to work on this behavior in new places or with big distractions.”

What to keep in mind

Unlearning old habits and building new ones is something we all need to do. Shifting our language to words and phrases that reflect understanding and patience is a good move for everyone. But don’t panic if you find yourself uttering anything included above — we are all works in progress.

Remember: Our dogs aren’t trying to make life hard for us — just like people, they are doing their best with what they’ve got. But when we speak about them with interest and curiosity rather than with judgment and blame, training is more of a partnership than a power struggle.